"You were gonna make me choose"

A plan is in place. One week from today starts training. It is an "at my pace" kinda training, so if I apply myself, I can be shift lead in a week, sr. shift lead in another week and assistant manager in another week. So, theoretically, I will have a 3.50 raise in a month. Score. Since my pathetic salary that I am "living" on now barely pays my bills, in four weeks I will be able to do a number of things. Grocery shopping, for one. Fixing my car...finally! Paying back everyone. I can not wait to feel this weight lift off of my back.

"Jolene, I'm beggin of you, please don't take my man!"

March 17th, 2010:

Height: 5'9"
Weight: 275.6 lbs.
Waist: 51"
Size: 44 men's

March 17th, 2011:

Height: 5'9" (thank God that didn't change)
Weight: 189.3 lbs.
Waist: 40.5"
Size: 34 men's

"memory seeps from my veins"

I love re-discovering music. When you dig down deep into the collection that has piled up over the years and you find that one mix cd that has been played so much it doesn't want to play anymore. But you get just enough out of it to remember all those moments. The moments in the car and in the dorm room.

Something Corporate brings me back to Kutztown. Hahaha "Rocky Horror Picture Show" trips...oh man! Rocky reserves A LOT of memories...

My first "date" ever. My stupid ass took her to Rocky. But the drive...oh the drive. Something like, "How do you know that the cars are coming so soon?" "I can see their headlights on the wires." I will never forget that drive...that whole night!

The night I was "taught" how to kiss...and Amanda's car gained the permanent smell of SoCo.

Lol And the night that the cop pulled up next to us at the red light.
Cop: "How many people are in your backseat?"
Me: "4"
Cop: "And how many seatbelts are there in your backseat?"
Me: "3"
Cop: "How bout you not do that again?"
Me: "Okay."
Nitsirk, Shoebox, SB's BF, Other person I don't remember: "OMg, HAhahaha, Lol"


Yeah...outstanding!

Then there are the memories that are just best to tuck back away into that safe place in the big, beautiful corner of the mind/heart/soul...

"I let my fingers do the walking"

I am going to make a checklist. Not to be used as a list of requirements, more a guideline. Something to make me think about the decisions that I make. For instance, some things will do nothing more then make me think, "Will you feel the same way about that little thing in 6 months?"

1. Smart.
2. Good sense of humor.
3. Fit. (Similar interests in regard to care of self)
4. Attractive to me. (Personality is NOT everything...::coughtaracough::)
5. Gains the approval of my friends. (MUST make it through the Grizz, then Nitsirk before "serious" status can be recieved)

To be continued...

"held our breath for too long"

Today was a great day, except for the first hour that I was awake.

My grandmother asked me why I never told her about what happened with my cousin. And I didn't have an answer.

Then I pretended the conversation didn't happen and I went and did something cute for someone who deserves it very much, but not from me. I don't know why I love her so much. And I don't know why I don't love myself at all.

My facad has even me convinced that I am okay and happy though, so I am going with it.

"you hold my hand but do you really need me?"

I enjoy Norah Jones. I also enjoy this feeling. I feel like I have accomplished something incredible...and it is only incredible because I did it! I have spent the day off in some other world. Today was the very first day since we met that we went the entire day not hearing from each other. The last week, I didn't text her unless she texted me. Today, I think she was testing me. Nothing. All day. She called me.

Holy crap. I could be way off...the paranoid, over emotional, normal slacker says I am way wrong with this. However, the new me...the one that realizes the need for change, says I just had my first taste of power. The following is from the new me.

Clearly, she thinks about me. I feel like it worries her that I am so okay now. I think it bugs her that I made my status "single" and that I have backed off of her. I also think that my reaction to things pertaining to her and him has taken a different path then it was before. Not one time in our conversation did I say anything negative about him or their relationship. I talked with her and agreed with her about stuff, but I didn't, at any point, show any kind of emotion regarding them. Does it make me super effin happy that she is already halfway out the door? HELL YES! I made mention about her profile picture and how it made me a lil mad at first, and jealous, and she changed it almost immediately.

It is the little things that give me this satisfied feeling. I feel kinda hopeful, but not really. I feel like I am impartial right now. I am so hurt that I have walls up, but I would definitely try again. There would be some work to do, but I feel like it would be worth it. Anyway, I feel like I have finally disconnected my heart from myself. Or maybe I have just let my head take control. My heart gets me hurt...every time. So yeah...I am okay. I feel good about this little jealousy monster that is scratching at her now. I understand why this is a good way to be.

This was my juvenile and dramatic post of the week.

"truth be on the mark"

"Gemini is the third sign of the zodiac, the sign that is characterized by communication. Geminis are very intellectual individuals, and are forever interested in broadening their horizon – they are eternal students! Mercury, the planet of communication, rules your sign, and makes you an articulate and versatile person. You are outgoing and sociable, and due to your lively attitude, you are the born entertainer. Clever and ingenious, you usually get what you want with your charm and wit.

First of the three air signs, you are a dexterous, multifaceted, and flexible individual. As the most diverse and eloquent sign of the zodiac, you crave mental stimulation above all. Your curiosity, combined with your ability to synthesize information, makes you the messenger of knowledge and information.

As a Gemini, you rule the third house, the sector of your chart that describes how you perceive, process, and communicate facts.

You are a mutable sign, responsible for keeping information flowing. You are gifted in adapting to situations and making compromises. Of all the zodiac signs, you are the peacemaker and troubleshooter who actively finds solutions to tricky situations.

As an Air Sign, Gemini is concerned with all aspects of the mind. Like fellow Air Signs Libra and Aquarius, they need to use their minds not only to form ideas, but to experience the world around them. Geminis in particular need to ask themselves some of life's more difficult questions to develop and grow.

Gemini is ruled by the planet Mercury, which governs communication, writing, and teaching. This is a fast-moving planet, which can sometimes mean that Gemini's attention span is very short. They are in love with words and ideas, so you may need to put on your thinking cap to keep up with this curious sign! Almost everything about the world fascinates them, and they may not feel that there is enough time to experience all they want to see. As such, they make greater artists, writers, and reporters.

Gemini's symbol is the Twins, meaning that sometimes, people born under this sign are twins themselves, or may feel that they are forever searching for their twin soul, in the form of a mate, mentor, or best friend.

The parts of the body associated with Gemini are the arms, shoulders, and lungs. Gemini natives should pay extra attention to these areas, and make sure they keep them safe and protected in this incarnation. The lungs, in particular, should be kept open and free, so Geminis can enjoy long and healthy lives.

Because Gemini can be so versatile and curious, it's important to make sure you're not taking on more than you can handle. Sure, you want to experience all there is out there, but you can't do that if you're sick or tired. Challenges arise when Gemini is two-faced, or unable to commit to one idea, belief, or person. Rather than scattering your energy, try to pull it in and focus.

Fun-loving and always up for an intellectual challenge, the Gemini is a spirited lover. The talk that precedes the interlude is just as important as the actual contact for this sign, and when it comes to wit, this sign holds nothing back. Flirtatious and curious, the Geminian will spend time with a lot of different lovers until they find one that can match their intellect and energy level. The Gemini needs to experience excitement, versatility, and stimulation to feel fully satisfied. Once the perfect match is found, though, the Geminian can settle into a lifestyle for two for the long haul.

Geminians are social and love spending time with friends and family. There will be times when this outgoing sign would want to go bungee jumping, and there will be times when sitting at home playing cards will suit them. Either way, friends are plentiful. Those who can match the Geminian intellect and love of variety will go the distance. One quality they seek out in others is communication. The Gemini loves to talk and gain insight from others. Without a clear flow of talk, the Gemini will lose interest pretty quick.

Family is important, especially those of like mind. Friendship with siblings is quite common for the Geminian, and time spent together is cherished. Meeting responsibilities with family can pose a challenge at times, but almost always, the Geminian comes through.

The best-suited careers for a Gemini are those that stimulate the intellect. "I think" is the key phrase for this sign. Geminians are inventive and often literary. It's important that the work they commit themselves to doing is dynamic and challenging so boredom doesn't set in.
Careers as a teacher, debater, reporter, writer, preacher, or lawyer are all well-suited to this sign. Any platform that gives the Geminian room to talk is best! A sales profession is another excellent choice. You can expect to see many tools for communication around this sign, such as PDAs, laptops, and cell phones. Generating new ideas and problem solving are other areas where the Geminian will shine.

Deciding between practicality and pleasure can be a tough thing for a Gemini. While money is a necessary evil, most don't spend a lot of time worrying about where their next dollar is coming from. They don't put much thought into balancing their checkbooks, yet they manage to get by just fine. This is largely due to the flexibility Geminians have."

(Thank you horoscope.com for being dead on and for holding my attention for an entire description of my sign.)

"And although pratfalls can be fun, encores can be fatal"

Something dawned on me today. I told some friends about my experience with "the third." I was the person that had ruined my relationships over and over again. I maintained a relationship of some sort with this married woman. I mean, I believed, for much of the time, that she was separated and chasing divorce. So did the other woman she was with.

So I tell them this story and it hits me! I am getting that karma.

My life is falling apart at the seams. I am barely keeping my head above water in every aspect imaginable. I am, for the first time ever, hitting a point where I can't figure out a way to fix it. I feel like the whole world is sitting on my chest trying to push the air out of my lungs, and there is nothing left in me. I have retreated into my head, because I have to figure this out. I have to change who I am a little in order to fix everything.

Every now and then, I feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling! I find myself there when I can't figure out what I did to deserve this storm. That is so it! I was a douche bag. Definitely not myself at all. That was a damaged, angry, caged in version of myself. I have to pay for being that person.

Now I just have to hope that realization is the first step to solution in the world of karma.

In other news, I am not in a bad mood at all. I actually feel sort of good by comparison. It is peaceful to be in here. Kinda like reading a gripping novel, the inside of my head.

"Tell us what we did wrong and you can blame us for it"

The "wake-n-bake" is correctly done at noon on a Tuesday. Especially if it is the first time you've slept for more then 3 hours in at least a week, and you are still half asleep after a trip to Wawa. Perfect!

Oh! It must be simultaneous with viewing of "Jerry" and immediately followed by strange but wonderful music.

Now...perfect.

"Have you ever looked fear in the face..."

There is something about me that I do not understand. Its this whole glutton for punishment thing. I don't want to be broken anymore, but I don't know how to put myself back together. I feel like I have been loosing pieces all along the way, and there is no way for me to find them all and put them back. And even if there were some way, how do I keep them together?

I thrive on all of the things that break me.


Maybe I should write my story. Years back, in counceling, I was asked to write out the thing that got me into counceling to begin with. I couldn't do it.

"Lets pretend we're in Antarctica..."

I just realized that the only time ever write anything anywhere is when I am freaking out. How I JUST realized this is beyond me, but what is important is that I have made it my goal to write more often. Everytime I sit down for more then 5 minutes in front of the computer.

So, today was interesting. Uneventful, but interesting. I was manic, for sure. (It is a good thing when I can recognize these things, right?) I woke up feeling irritated, then moved on to angry. After anger was hopelessness. Then came the calm. The weird calm that clouds my view of everything. As I drove to lunch, I didn't process anything at all. Durring lunch I was so calm and completely free of the fear that has been plagueing me. After lunch, I switched to normal and fully functional. When I got home, I was sad. When I got to work I was on a high and in a great mood. I left work feeling calm. Then I felt needy, yet confident. Now I feel calm, yet my mind is racing. Not full of my worries, but full of my yearnings.

I think that is the problem. I want so badly to have certain things, but I am never anywhere near having them. I need to find a way to stop wanting.

I also need to stop hitting things. Unless the thing I hit has a name like this _ _ _ _. I would like to hit that. In any case, my hand hurts. And I am cold. I've been filmed in this odd cool ever since I jumped into the dark, freezing water last night. I'm not chilled to the bone, just cold to the touch. Cold just under my skin. The way I imagine a vampire like Edward would feel like everyday.

That brings me to another thought...last night. I left the house with a small group of people, two of which were hooked on the idea of cliff diving into very cold water. My reasoning was to get this need out of me. In all honesty, I need to feel pain to get through times like these. Not the "lets go cut myself" kinda way. Been there, done that. It just doesn't do it. I need severe, feel it in the deepest corners of my soul kinda pain. I have never recognized that I do this to myself until now. Over the past 25 years of my life, I have had the most ridiculous injuries, and the stories that were made getting them are absurd. What sane person would get themselves into the situations I have been in? Me. I'm sane. I just have my insane moments.

I mean, I have never consciously said to myself, "You could really get hurt doing this...LETS GO!" No...it was always more like, "That looks like it would be a lot of fun! LETS GO!" The further on in life that I get though, the more clear the pattern becomes. It scares me in a way. I didn't do anything too ridiculous this time, the first time since my decision to be more careful. I still needed to do something though. Whats even more strange is that now I am more aware of myself durring these actions. I am thinking about, and remembering, every minescule detail.

The way the nervous feeling in my stomach went away as I walked up to the water. I left the group in my head and heard the silence of the night covered woods. Thats when I decided I was doing it, and I started loosing clothing. When I got down to my boxers and a beater, I didn't care. Me. Miss modesty didn't give a damn who saw me. It was so dark! I was focused. My mind was racing to every possible outcome. I could do it and be fine, or be hurt, or be hypothermic. The possibilities were endless. Then I did it. The first step onto the bridge put my leg to the knee underwater. I didn't feel a thing. The second step put me in to my thigh, halfway up my polar bear. The next step threw my body into reality. I felt the water touch my _____ and it flew up my spine; then it raced through my body the way a glass fills up. It wasn't cold though, not as we know it. I went under. I could hear nothing but my heartbeat. The seconds I was under felt like minutes to me. I opened my eyes and felt a new surge of feeling.

When I surfaced I was lost in total darkness. I couldn't even find the moon. I had to stop and focus on real life again. It was as if I went inside of my body and nothing could get me until I came out. I read a book once, maybe "Velocity." I don't know...definetly Dean Koontz. The main character went into a metetative trance and forgot to come out. He was in the same position in body for 14 hours until he was found and snapped out of it. I understand now how that could happen. I need to re-read that book.

I spent another 10 minutes in the water, trying to coax a friend to not punk out. When I got out, it wasn't cold. I wasn't in pain like I should have been. My onlookers were dumbstruck. They watched me dress in disbelief. No words, just nothing. Like I had just jumped out of a pool.

So strange. What does it mean that I can climb into my head? Is it bad? I probably sound insane right now. I guess something like that is a better way to get a rush then some of the other stuff that flashed through my mind. *shrug*

(I find it hard to believe that the spell check didn't find ONE spelling error...not one. I call bullshit!)