"held our breath for too long"

Today was a great day, except for the first hour that I was awake.

My grandmother asked me why I never told her about what happened with my cousin. And I didn't have an answer.

Then I pretended the conversation didn't happen and I went and did something cute for someone who deserves it very much, but not from me. I don't know why I love her so much. And I don't know why I don't love myself at all.

My facad has even me convinced that I am okay and happy though, so I am going with it.

"And although pratfalls can be fun, encores can be fatal"

Something dawned on me today. I told some friends about my experience with "the third." I was the person that had ruined my relationships over and over again. I maintained a relationship of some sort with this married woman. I mean, I believed, for much of the time, that she was separated and chasing divorce. So did the other woman she was with.

So I tell them this story and it hits me! I am getting that karma.

My life is falling apart at the seams. I am barely keeping my head above water in every aspect imaginable. I am, for the first time ever, hitting a point where I can't figure out a way to fix it. I feel like the whole world is sitting on my chest trying to push the air out of my lungs, and there is nothing left in me. I have retreated into my head, because I have to figure this out. I have to change who I am a little in order to fix everything.

Every now and then, I feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling! I find myself there when I can't figure out what I did to deserve this storm. That is so it! I was a douche bag. Definitely not myself at all. That was a damaged, angry, caged in version of myself. I have to pay for being that person.

Now I just have to hope that realization is the first step to solution in the world of karma.

In other news, I am not in a bad mood at all. I actually feel sort of good by comparison. It is peaceful to be in here. Kinda like reading a gripping novel, the inside of my head.

"Tell us what we did wrong and you can blame us for it"

The "wake-n-bake" is correctly done at noon on a Tuesday. Especially if it is the first time you've slept for more then 3 hours in at least a week, and you are still half asleep after a trip to Wawa. Perfect!

Oh! It must be simultaneous with viewing of "Jerry" and immediately followed by strange but wonderful music.

Now...perfect.