Something dawned on me today. I told some friends about my experience with "the third." I was the person that had ruined my relationships over and over again. I maintained a relationship of some sort with this married woman. I mean, I believed, for much of the time, that she was separated and chasing divorce. So did the other woman she was with.
So I tell them this story and it hits me! I am getting that karma.
My life is falling apart at the seams. I am barely keeping my head above water in every aspect imaginable. I am, for the first time ever, hitting a point where I can't figure out a way to fix it. I feel like the whole world is sitting on my chest trying to push the air out of my lungs, and there is nothing left in me. I have retreated into my head, because I have to figure this out. I have to change who I am a little in order to fix everything.
Every now and then, I feel sorry for myself. I hate that feeling! I find myself there when I can't figure out what I did to deserve this storm. That is so it! I was a douche bag. Definitely not myself at all. That was a damaged, angry, caged in version of myself. I have to pay for being that person.
Now I just have to hope that realization is the first step to solution in the world of karma.
In other news, I am not in a bad mood at all. I actually feel sort of good by comparison. It is peaceful to be in here. Kinda like reading a gripping novel, the inside of my head.
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