"You were gonna make me choose"

A plan is in place. One week from today starts training. It is an "at my pace" kinda training, so if I apply myself, I can be shift lead in a week, sr. shift lead in another week and assistant manager in another week. So, theoretically, I will have a 3.50 raise in a month. Score. Since my pathetic salary that I am "living" on now barely pays my bills, in four weeks I will be able to do a number of things. Grocery shopping, for one. Fixing my car...finally! Paying back everyone. I can not wait to feel this weight lift off of my back.

"Jolene, I'm beggin of you, please don't take my man!"

March 17th, 2010:

Height: 5'9"
Weight: 275.6 lbs.
Waist: 51"
Size: 44 men's

March 17th, 2011:

Height: 5'9" (thank God that didn't change)
Weight: 189.3 lbs.
Waist: 40.5"
Size: 34 men's

"memory seeps from my veins"

I love re-discovering music. When you dig down deep into the collection that has piled up over the years and you find that one mix cd that has been played so much it doesn't want to play anymore. But you get just enough out of it to remember all those moments. The moments in the car and in the dorm room.

Something Corporate brings me back to Kutztown. Hahaha "Rocky Horror Picture Show" trips...oh man! Rocky reserves A LOT of memories...

My first "date" ever. My stupid ass took her to Rocky. But the drive...oh the drive. Something like, "How do you know that the cars are coming so soon?" "I can see their headlights on the wires." I will never forget that drive...that whole night!

The night I was "taught" how to kiss...and Amanda's car gained the permanent smell of SoCo.

Lol And the night that the cop pulled up next to us at the red light.
Cop: "How many people are in your backseat?"
Me: "4"
Cop: "And how many seatbelts are there in your backseat?"
Me: "3"
Cop: "How bout you not do that again?"
Me: "Okay."
Nitsirk, Shoebox, SB's BF, Other person I don't remember: "OMg, HAhahaha, Lol"


Yeah...outstanding!

Then there are the memories that are just best to tuck back away into that safe place in the big, beautiful corner of the mind/heart/soul...

"I let my fingers do the walking"

I am going to make a checklist. Not to be used as a list of requirements, more a guideline. Something to make me think about the decisions that I make. For instance, some things will do nothing more then make me think, "Will you feel the same way about that little thing in 6 months?"

1. Smart.
2. Good sense of humor.
3. Fit. (Similar interests in regard to care of self)
4. Attractive to me. (Personality is NOT everything...::coughtaracough::)
5. Gains the approval of my friends. (MUST make it through the Grizz, then Nitsirk before "serious" status can be recieved)

To be continued...

"held our breath for too long"

Today was a great day, except for the first hour that I was awake.

My grandmother asked me why I never told her about what happened with my cousin. And I didn't have an answer.

Then I pretended the conversation didn't happen and I went and did something cute for someone who deserves it very much, but not from me. I don't know why I love her so much. And I don't know why I don't love myself at all.

My facad has even me convinced that I am okay and happy though, so I am going with it.

"you hold my hand but do you really need me?"

I enjoy Norah Jones. I also enjoy this feeling. I feel like I have accomplished something incredible...and it is only incredible because I did it! I have spent the day off in some other world. Today was the very first day since we met that we went the entire day not hearing from each other. The last week, I didn't text her unless she texted me. Today, I think she was testing me. Nothing. All day. She called me.

Holy crap. I could be way off...the paranoid, over emotional, normal slacker says I am way wrong with this. However, the new me...the one that realizes the need for change, says I just had my first taste of power. The following is from the new me.

Clearly, she thinks about me. I feel like it worries her that I am so okay now. I think it bugs her that I made my status "single" and that I have backed off of her. I also think that my reaction to things pertaining to her and him has taken a different path then it was before. Not one time in our conversation did I say anything negative about him or their relationship. I talked with her and agreed with her about stuff, but I didn't, at any point, show any kind of emotion regarding them. Does it make me super effin happy that she is already halfway out the door? HELL YES! I made mention about her profile picture and how it made me a lil mad at first, and jealous, and she changed it almost immediately.

It is the little things that give me this satisfied feeling. I feel kinda hopeful, but not really. I feel like I am impartial right now. I am so hurt that I have walls up, but I would definitely try again. There would be some work to do, but I feel like it would be worth it. Anyway, I feel like I have finally disconnected my heart from myself. Or maybe I have just let my head take control. My heart gets me hurt...every time. So yeah...I am okay. I feel good about this little jealousy monster that is scratching at her now. I understand why this is a good way to be.

This was my juvenile and dramatic post of the week.

"truth be on the mark"

"Gemini is the third sign of the zodiac, the sign that is characterized by communication. Geminis are very intellectual individuals, and are forever interested in broadening their horizon – they are eternal students! Mercury, the planet of communication, rules your sign, and makes you an articulate and versatile person. You are outgoing and sociable, and due to your lively attitude, you are the born entertainer. Clever and ingenious, you usually get what you want with your charm and wit.

First of the three air signs, you are a dexterous, multifaceted, and flexible individual. As the most diverse and eloquent sign of the zodiac, you crave mental stimulation above all. Your curiosity, combined with your ability to synthesize information, makes you the messenger of knowledge and information.

As a Gemini, you rule the third house, the sector of your chart that describes how you perceive, process, and communicate facts.

You are a mutable sign, responsible for keeping information flowing. You are gifted in adapting to situations and making compromises. Of all the zodiac signs, you are the peacemaker and troubleshooter who actively finds solutions to tricky situations.

As an Air Sign, Gemini is concerned with all aspects of the mind. Like fellow Air Signs Libra and Aquarius, they need to use their minds not only to form ideas, but to experience the world around them. Geminis in particular need to ask themselves some of life's more difficult questions to develop and grow.

Gemini is ruled by the planet Mercury, which governs communication, writing, and teaching. This is a fast-moving planet, which can sometimes mean that Gemini's attention span is very short. They are in love with words and ideas, so you may need to put on your thinking cap to keep up with this curious sign! Almost everything about the world fascinates them, and they may not feel that there is enough time to experience all they want to see. As such, they make greater artists, writers, and reporters.

Gemini's symbol is the Twins, meaning that sometimes, people born under this sign are twins themselves, or may feel that they are forever searching for their twin soul, in the form of a mate, mentor, or best friend.

The parts of the body associated with Gemini are the arms, shoulders, and lungs. Gemini natives should pay extra attention to these areas, and make sure they keep them safe and protected in this incarnation. The lungs, in particular, should be kept open and free, so Geminis can enjoy long and healthy lives.

Because Gemini can be so versatile and curious, it's important to make sure you're not taking on more than you can handle. Sure, you want to experience all there is out there, but you can't do that if you're sick or tired. Challenges arise when Gemini is two-faced, or unable to commit to one idea, belief, or person. Rather than scattering your energy, try to pull it in and focus.

Fun-loving and always up for an intellectual challenge, the Gemini is a spirited lover. The talk that precedes the interlude is just as important as the actual contact for this sign, and when it comes to wit, this sign holds nothing back. Flirtatious and curious, the Geminian will spend time with a lot of different lovers until they find one that can match their intellect and energy level. The Gemini needs to experience excitement, versatility, and stimulation to feel fully satisfied. Once the perfect match is found, though, the Geminian can settle into a lifestyle for two for the long haul.

Geminians are social and love spending time with friends and family. There will be times when this outgoing sign would want to go bungee jumping, and there will be times when sitting at home playing cards will suit them. Either way, friends are plentiful. Those who can match the Geminian intellect and love of variety will go the distance. One quality they seek out in others is communication. The Gemini loves to talk and gain insight from others. Without a clear flow of talk, the Gemini will lose interest pretty quick.

Family is important, especially those of like mind. Friendship with siblings is quite common for the Geminian, and time spent together is cherished. Meeting responsibilities with family can pose a challenge at times, but almost always, the Geminian comes through.

The best-suited careers for a Gemini are those that stimulate the intellect. "I think" is the key phrase for this sign. Geminians are inventive and often literary. It's important that the work they commit themselves to doing is dynamic and challenging so boredom doesn't set in.
Careers as a teacher, debater, reporter, writer, preacher, or lawyer are all well-suited to this sign. Any platform that gives the Geminian room to talk is best! A sales profession is another excellent choice. You can expect to see many tools for communication around this sign, such as PDAs, laptops, and cell phones. Generating new ideas and problem solving are other areas where the Geminian will shine.

Deciding between practicality and pleasure can be a tough thing for a Gemini. While money is a necessary evil, most don't spend a lot of time worrying about where their next dollar is coming from. They don't put much thought into balancing their checkbooks, yet they manage to get by just fine. This is largely due to the flexibility Geminians have."

(Thank you horoscope.com for being dead on and for holding my attention for an entire description of my sign.)