"he flooded the land then he set it on fire"

I have been on a set, second shift schedule for about two months now, and I am becoming nocturnal again. I don't get home until midnight, can't sleep till 3ish. Set the alarm for 8:30 but don't react to it consciously until closer to 10:30. From there I have just enough time to go to the gym, shower and head to work for 3. I don't eat at home anymore. I haven't cleaned in weeks (which shouldn't matter considering I live with two other people who both have hands). I can't wait until next week. First shift for a while. Once the car is fixed, second won't be too bad. Car=morning motivation and about two extra hours per day to be productive. The upside: I am reading again. Currently: Dan Brown "The Lost Symbol" Next Up: Awaiting Assignment.

"You were gonna make me choose"

A plan is in place. One week from today starts training. It is an "at my pace" kinda training, so if I apply myself, I can be shift lead in a week, sr. shift lead in another week and assistant manager in another week. So, theoretically, I will have a 3.50 raise in a month. Score. Since my pathetic salary that I am "living" on now barely pays my bills, in four weeks I will be able to do a number of things. Grocery shopping, for one. Fixing my car...finally! Paying back everyone. I can not wait to feel this weight lift off of my back.

"Jolene, I'm beggin of you, please don't take my man!"

March 17th, 2010:

Height: 5'9"
Weight: 275.6 lbs.
Waist: 51"
Size: 44 men's

March 17th, 2011:

Height: 5'9" (thank God that didn't change)
Weight: 189.3 lbs.
Waist: 40.5"
Size: 34 men's

"memory seeps from my veins"

I love re-discovering music. When you dig down deep into the collection that has piled up over the years and you find that one mix cd that has been played so much it doesn't want to play anymore. But you get just enough out of it to remember all those moments. The moments in the car and in the dorm room.

Something Corporate brings me back to Kutztown. Hahaha "Rocky Horror Picture Show" trips...oh man! Rocky reserves A LOT of memories...

My first "date" ever. My stupid ass took her to Rocky. But the drive...oh the drive. Something like, "How do you know that the cars are coming so soon?" "I can see their headlights on the wires." I will never forget that drive...that whole night!

The night I was "taught" how to kiss...and Amanda's car gained the permanent smell of SoCo.

Lol And the night that the cop pulled up next to us at the red light.
Cop: "How many people are in your backseat?"
Me: "4"
Cop: "And how many seatbelts are there in your backseat?"
Me: "3"
Cop: "How bout you not do that again?"
Me: "Okay."
Nitsirk, Shoebox, SB's BF, Other person I don't remember: "OMg, HAhahaha, Lol"


Yeah...outstanding!

Then there are the memories that are just best to tuck back away into that safe place in the big, beautiful corner of the mind/heart/soul...

"I let my fingers do the walking"

I am going to make a checklist. Not to be used as a list of requirements, more a guideline. Something to make me think about the decisions that I make. For instance, some things will do nothing more then make me think, "Will you feel the same way about that little thing in 6 months?"

1. Smart.
2. Good sense of humor.
3. Fit. (Similar interests in regard to care of self)
4. Attractive to me. (Personality is NOT everything...::coughtaracough::)
5. Gains the approval of my friends. (MUST make it through the Grizz, then Nitsirk before "serious" status can be recieved)

To be continued...

"held our breath for too long"

Today was a great day, except for the first hour that I was awake.

My grandmother asked me why I never told her about what happened with my cousin. And I didn't have an answer.

Then I pretended the conversation didn't happen and I went and did something cute for someone who deserves it very much, but not from me. I don't know why I love her so much. And I don't know why I don't love myself at all.

My facad has even me convinced that I am okay and happy though, so I am going with it.

"you hold my hand but do you really need me?"

I enjoy Norah Jones. I also enjoy this feeling. I feel like I have accomplished something incredible...and it is only incredible because I did it! I have spent the day off in some other world. Today was the very first day since we met that we went the entire day not hearing from each other. The last week, I didn't text her unless she texted me. Today, I think she was testing me. Nothing. All day. She called me.

Holy crap. I could be way off...the paranoid, over emotional, normal slacker says I am way wrong with this. However, the new me...the one that realizes the need for change, says I just had my first taste of power. The following is from the new me.

Clearly, she thinks about me. I feel like it worries her that I am so okay now. I think it bugs her that I made my status "single" and that I have backed off of her. I also think that my reaction to things pertaining to her and him has taken a different path then it was before. Not one time in our conversation did I say anything negative about him or their relationship. I talked with her and agreed with her about stuff, but I didn't, at any point, show any kind of emotion regarding them. Does it make me super effin happy that she is already halfway out the door? HELL YES! I made mention about her profile picture and how it made me a lil mad at first, and jealous, and she changed it almost immediately.

It is the little things that give me this satisfied feeling. I feel kinda hopeful, but not really. I feel like I am impartial right now. I am so hurt that I have walls up, but I would definitely try again. There would be some work to do, but I feel like it would be worth it. Anyway, I feel like I have finally disconnected my heart from myself. Or maybe I have just let my head take control. My heart gets me hurt...every time. So yeah...I am okay. I feel good about this little jealousy monster that is scratching at her now. I understand why this is a good way to be.

This was my juvenile and dramatic post of the week.